my mom has always told me i have "authority issues." true enough. the most basic explanation; "sam, you cant go play in the creek or you will get poison oak."
"why?"
"because you are allergic and you will be miserable if you get poison oak."
"hmmm... " then went to play in the creek and got poison oak so bad my eyes swelled shut and kids a school thought i was a new kid. true story.
i have so much trouble with being defiant. usually just for the sake of it. i do what i want.
but then there is God, my ultimate authority. on some level its fun to fight worldly authority, it really is. but what about God?
Romans 6 says basically we cant sin any longer because we are under the umbrella of grace and have been forgiven, so how can we keep living in sin?!?! But this "newness of life" as paul calls it means i cannot be defiant any longer but be as a slave to righteousness. Not because i am bound like a slave but because it is GOOD. GOD IS GOOD. i know it, i believe it, i live it... most of the time.
yet in my soul there are yearnings that somehow someway life might be better on the other side. even reminiscing with a friend this morning the mind begins to wander...
when will i ever be happy and content in the Lord the way he has intended it?? and the way HE wants it??
when i truly stop thinking i know better. when i stop being lot's wife and looking back.
when i put on my big boy boots and trust in the authority... because all i'm good at is disappointing myself. Without that umbrella of grace and freedom from things of my past, i am nothing. i cant love jenna, i cant love my family, i cant even be a loving youth pastor without HIS grace.
i only want to look back to remember. to see the hand of my Lord and savior. to learn how to love. sorry im so defiant. have mercy on me, a sinner.
Amen Sam!
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