Balance.

A very wise person once told me to heed my emotions. Not as truth or as the sole explanation of things, but more so as a guide to my heart. See, in my opinion, emotions can be dangerous and lead to poor decisions. however, they give us a glimpse into our heart. they tell why we feel the way we do. For example, if i am depressed and feel worthless, it can be a guide to show me that i am not finding worth in Christ, therefore am being let down by people and letting that tell me who i am... which isnt always true.

one pothole of this approach is a desire to constantly say "well i shouldnt be feeling this, i need to cheer up, etc etc." while that may be true, we have emotions for a reason. Mourning is beneficial, joy is contagious. The real reason i bring this up and why god is seemingly putting this on my heart again is for the cyclical emotions. Those of us who are constantly feeling the same things over and over. Myself included.

So often i seek approval in my work. I am the youngest child and have this incessant need to be noticed and approved of. In sports i wanted to be the best, or nothing. I am constantly trying to do things im not naturally good at for the sake of being ok with who i am and learning life is not always about being the star. I love music but am not the best guitar player or singer, but i do it. i like to draw and design things but am nowhere near a professional graphic designer. These are the types of things i do that help me learn. In the same way i want to be an all-star youth pastor with a blossoming group of students who change this world. Since starting this job i have been so encouraged and loved by people and students. Yet i find myself being easily discouraged by one or two minor lapses in MY plan. The very idea of having a plan is ridiculous when it comes to certain aspects of my job but i have them nonetheless. Because if i can reach this goal... or do this, then i will be a "good" youth pastor. sigh.

I need balance. Last week I had a student come to me and say something along the lines of... "ya know, you are a lot better youth pastor than i thought you would be." now this may seem like an odd, backhanded compliment; to me, it was a revelation. I thought about it for a second and thanked the student who said this. then went on to say this, "im glad you think so, but even if you dont particularly like me, my goal is for you and all your peers to leave high school with a solid understanding of who God is and a faith that is you own. A faith that leads you to a life after Christ."

If this is true, why worry? my brother Paul always gives me a hard time with teaching on the sovereignty of God. But i really believe it and harp on it for a reason. I think most of our (people in general) issues come from a lack of belief.

at least mine do.

i need more jesus. in all. through all. everywhere in my life.

not because he magically fixes me, but because he is Lord, and im here for Him. no one else. sorry. he is my balance.